wongxinwei's Xanga

leaving singapore

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 16:34:33 GMT

i haven't blogged in more than 1 year!

in less than 24 hours.. i ll be leaving singapore for a familiar place - oxford...

oxford now has a special place in my heart... it is soooo different from london.... it is like a place one can retire... easy reach of countryside.... i miss the times picnicking with my beloved by the river.... setting up our own bbq stuff... watching the ducks swim across.... only to realise that we were flanked by them in no time.... 'they' were eyeing for 'our' bones... our chicken bones.... and literally drooling... there a joke was borned - have you heard of ducks eating chickens?

for three days after i handed in my dissertation on 1 september... i woke up early in the morning.... feeling an incredible enthusiasm to want to find out more about 'life'... i had a weird feeling... i felt spiritually more enlightened... although 'enlightened' may be too strong a word to use... i am not saying i reached nirvana.... more aptly.. i think i felt more awakened... spiritually...

1. i thought of a game. its free and incredibly challenging. the objective of this game is to woo the ducks. success is determined by the number of ducks i attract. to make it more challenging for myself, i limited myself to using one piece of oat/sunflower seed biscuit. its yummy. i can testify. excitedly, i wrapped the biscuit using a piece of kitchen towel. so i went out there to the lake in university parks, just at the back of abraham building in linacre college where i stayed... i approached the ducks... they ran away and did not dare to draw near... i wanted to lower myself to 'their' level... so i squatted down. there i started. i broke a few pieces of biscuit. threw at them. keeping in mind the objective, i began to step back, and laided a trail of biscuit bits as i stepped back... i drew myself to about 3 metres away from them... so as to better observe them... there... i observed...

some ducks were daring than the others... they looked further and walked further.. so they saw more bits and got to eat more... a few others gave up searching... and went back to the lake.... after a short while.. i found myself with 3 loyal followers. i tot to myself "hmm. not too bad for a start"... to reward these ducks... i threw more bits at them... they followed me around for quite a while... however, when i began walking to the other side of the lake... they stopped following... i tot to myself again.. "hmm. enemy territory?"

so i thought, well.. lets not force the ducks... go back to their "home ground"... so i went back... this time, i stood close to the lake... the rest of the ducks were drawn towards me... i began throwing small bits.. like manna from heaven... many ate happily. in a distant, i saw a white slender duck. woo. a beauty. but it was shy. it didn't want to associate with the rowdiness of the rest. so i broke a slightly larger chunk (weight needed) and aimed into the distant white duck... 'she' took a bite... i threw another one.... she got it again... as i was thinking of throwing a third piece... it swam away.. i tot to myself, "easily contented"...

having lost a pretty duck, i felt a little dejected... so i decided to take a break and sit on the bench.... about 5 ducks followed me... so i tot again, loyal followers... let me feed them more... in my heart, i had a question, "do the ducks trust me, even when i have no intention of harming them?" so i laid the bits closer... trying to test whether they wld draw near... so i waited... somehow the ducks refused to come to the cement portion of the bench... cld they not see the bread? or do they fear me? i laid bigger bits to test this. it was obvious. they still fear me.

i finished giving out my final pieces of biscuit. i decided to take a pee. i went to a big tree behind. at the same time, this allows me to observe what the 5 ducks were doing. so i observed. expectedly, they advanced and finished up the biscuit pieces that were laid at the cement area.

so that was day 1.

i thought to myself.

"haven't the ducks taught me something today?"

1. i hypothesise that some fundamental principles of life can be discovered by observing the forces of nature.

2. i hypothesise that the most fun and pleasurable things in life are free.

any guesses what happened on day 2?

last week in harvard

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 02:06:11 GMT

haven't blogged for eons!

here i m sitting in front of my comp.. through i have work to do.. i just can't find the energy to do it... feel like taking a nap although its already 1022pm... *yawn*

oh no! when have i started to become soooo lazy?

life in harvard is really good as a summer school student... 3 meals are catered at this pretty harry potter lookalike dining hall... the main courses haven't repeated once... everyday i m just try to stuff myself with lots of food cuz its a buffet... the salad bar is great too... there are like 20+ sauces... but it doesn't change so can get sick of it easily...

i m taking this course called "strategic managment in a dynamic environment".... basically we focus on discussing 1 case study everyday with the prof leading and facilitating the discussion and the prof will end it off with some textbook theories... there are no exams required but i have to write 3 papers.. do a presentation... class participation counts too... at first i m really not used to the enthusiasm of ppl fighting to speak up... can be quite intimidating... esp when most of the ppl in the class have extensive working experience.... i began to realise my own weakness when it comes to speaking up and articulating own ideas... tt is something tt has been lacking in my last 15 years of classroom education... and i realise tt can really affect me adversely....

public speaking really an art which i have yet to master..... i really hope to go through more training and development in this area...

enough of academic.... lets talk about fun.... i have really had the time of my life in america past few weeks... (and severely draining down my savings *oops*)... went for a bus tour to washington, philadelphia, new york... went on a luxury cruise with florrine.... watched july 4th fireworks.... went shopping all over in boston.... studying eating partying and having fun... maybe cuz its summer... ppl here are generally fun loving... i have also been playing LOTS of piano (cuz there is a new and nice yamaha piano just belong my dining hall)... the setting in harvard makes it a really nice place to study and live... the libraries are big nice and quiet... amenities are nearby... ard the town there are lots of restaurants, pubs, cafes, supermarket, book store... etc quite self sufficient.... :) overall i really like staying in boston... (esp when the weather is fantastic now!)

really enjoy the peace, the freedom, the food, the company, the weather..... wld be a good time to rest recuperate and reflect abt life too :)

sometimes it still feels very surreal tt i m harvard... the place i really dream of studying in... :) though just for a short while... i m definitely very satisfied :)

home

Mon, 28 May 2007 02:15:45 GMT

just talked to ma for abt 40mins... it conversation today felt like it was gone in a snap... :) we talked about plans to come for my graduation ceremony... i lamented a bit about the hassle of storage and some complicated moving plans for next few weeks... haha... then we talked about the rest of the family... :) my eldest brother bdae was yesterday (and i msg him slightly past midnight... oops) my second eldest brother has moved on into a new job learning new stuff and enjoying the airport environment (although bit cold)... my dad taking things easy and I respect him because he is someone tt always knows his stuff (I also admire his punctuality - something which i resolute to achieve)

my conclusion: i miss home!

my family had fish head hotpot yesterday! I remember going to that hawker centre exactly one year ago when i arrived home... and we also had dinner there the last night before I came over for my final year of studies... as I thinking about the simple fares at hawker centre with my family and friends.... I cant help but miss home! these are the things tt i enjoyed most about spore despite the humid weather, one party rule, lack of free speech, label as a fine city, chewing gum ban, rigid education system... i realise i m willing to put up all these for the sake of family friends and of course haha - wide variety of cheap and good food!

looking back, this 3 years has been a mix of gains and losses.

if i was in spore, perhaps i wld be able to enjoy an exciting hostel life and chance to organise more events/camps. perhaps i wld be able to do a lot of chinese pop singing. perhaps i wld be able to continue pop piano lessons and vocal lessons and become a better performer. perhaps i wld b a lot closer to many of my gd friends back home - i wld be there through their ups and downs. perhaps i wld hv chance to go for many youth expeditions overseas to do community work. how wld i have turned out to be?

time always seem to fly when one looks back. as we look forward, time passes slowly. it always feels like there is time to do lots of things in future. no matter what you do, time passes.

3 years. it is 2007 now! a while ago i was still a fresher, very thrifty abt spending pounds, not worrying much about studies, excited abt being able to conquer the whole world by travelling, kept thinking how different life wld hv been if i went to smu, the most tough of all - trying to maintain a long distance relationship.

life is vastly different now. i value quality of life although i still try to look for gd deals. realising that my degree classification affects my future pay directly has made me look at it seriously. i now value the company more than the destinations, and realise quality of visit shd matter more than quantity. studying abroad has made me appreciate home much much more, and appreciate what i already have instead of constantly looking outwards. overseas may not be necessarily a better place to live than spore. began to look for spiritual fulfillment instead of just on worldly matters and material things. i m also incredibly blessed to meet one of the best personalities on this planet - florrine (no its not a chemical but my lady).

i think i have grown to be more sure of my values and beliefs. the most impt lesson i have learnt is to treasure and appreciate the things that really matter. in the past i usually like to ignore the negative side of things. but now i have began to examine these imperfections. i also begin to realise the importance of preserving the reputation and dignity of others. i m more aware of my weaknesses and more accepting towards them - in a way they define me. it is gd to be less judgemental. i guess i am learning to accept things as they come, to release control and let go. to trust the unknown and live each day as it comes.

prayed individually for each of my family members and florrine. it was a moment of peace for me. i hope that i will be able to love each of them in the best possible ways.

nothing matters more than to love.

liberation!

Tue, 15 May 2007 13:40:26 GMT

i have abstained from a lot of things for the last month of revision.... unhealthy junk food, soft drinks (worried abt energy slumps), alcohol, fun with friends and have been trying to exercise, eat well to keep my body in tip top condition for the exams.... YESH!!!!!!!!!! finally its OVER!!!!!

never have i felt like this man... i think this must be the exams i have worked hardest for.... yet it doesn't mean that the results will echo my efforts... university exams is really a different ball game as compared to before.... not only issit tougher, it is harder to predict what will come out, worst still, what comes out may be something you never see before... and ur fate for the subject is determined in that few hours....

this year is the pinnacle of all my examination experience.... i had 8 exams and mostly was packed at the end.... there had been a lot of ups and downs.... some papers finished with a LOT of regret.... careless mistakes... tight for time... focus on irrelevant things... compared to previous years this was also most demanding on my essay skills... which i am rather weak at... on the bright side... i am really happy with what i m studying... my favourite is experimental economics - which deals with conducting experiments to test economic theories! other top favourites are environmental economics and economics of growth.... i really like stuff linking economics with psychology, and how to improve living standards in countries... guess i din pick the wrong course.... i also realised wat i dread.... theories abt finance!! hahaha... the deep mathematics certainly doesn't turn me on because they have minimal practical implications (basically proofs of simple unrealistic scenarios)... on the other hand the mathematics in econometrics turn me on bcuz they help to refine the ways in which we can measure causality impacts of anything we want!

from here i guess it is a step away from economics into something else to broaden my horizons, and probably something which is less academic and more relevant to future work.....

just received an offer from queen's college cambridge... feels like a good opportunity.... and i think i ll have a tough time deciding between water policy in oxford or management in cambridge.... but all these is subject to me getting gd results first.... *PRAY*

today's paper was game theory.... i had a lot of fear for this bcuz the past year exams were qns tt were never seen before and v tough! it seems like an unpredictable paper! the scenarios can b amazingly tricky although the solution is usually simple... glad it turned out well!! many people left early and went toilet... hahahha so i guess most ppl found it easy too... hope it ll give me my most secured 'A'... cuz the rest... sigh... is difficult to be sure!

YAY!!!! i am liberated!!! its time to catch up on friends... indulge in videos, junk food, good food... catch up on guitar and piano and the latest pop songs... hahahaha.... i have been living in a closed up world for the last mth.... i am really thankful for the great company and support of florrine, kaiping, shiying, navath, jieqi... they are the ppl i see most... and despite exam stress... we kept each other going... neva forgetting to put on a smile.... although it seems like this revision period is tough... but i think studying is actually one of the best times of our lives.... the problems we faced now are definitely easier than in future in the working world... :) soooooo savour the happy moments!!

florrine has been incredibly sweet all these while and supported me thru despite all my ups and downs.... esp midway thru my exam i actually screwed up my most confident paper - maths! just felt like crying then man and couldn't believe wat happened... sorry to have made you worried dear... :) tks so much for the motivating messages every morning without fail.... u are really my source of joy and strength!! :)

of course i have to thank God for blessing me during this period... such tt i can pull through one obstacle after another.... and allowing me to reflect and learn from every exam's mistake.... whether my efforts will be reciprocated with good results is not up to me anymore... i have given all i can.... and i will accept watever the outcome... :)

kor! i hope i ll get a 2:1 at least... then i haven't let u down... :) hows work at ur new place? hope everything is going well and everybody likes u! haha :)

i call home almost every wekk

alright! everyone that is reading this.... from now on i m ALWAYS free for coffee appointments!! catch YOU soon!!! may your life be blessed and u will always find fulfillment all your endeavours! have a great day!!! :)

there is so much to learn... so much to do... so much to enjoy.....!!!

1 more week to the exams of my life

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 02:16:24 GMT

think i made a similar post last year.. in the midst of all anxiety...

its about 6 days more to the start of - the exams of my life....

it feels like i have studied... but yet it feels like it wont be really within control.... judging from past year experiences... examinations can b rather unpredictable... esp when it is set by a new lecturer... who will resolve to be original... in the end it can be like a guessing game about your lecturers' personality....

arrgh... year 3 modules are indeed tough.... most topics try to bring you to the forefront of the respective fields... try to force u understand what are the current debates... some want you to read endless papers (both in quantity and length, some written in an outer space language).... prep for exam also gets tougher.... there is a lack of practices since the past year formats and scopes are different.... so most prob we will get some questions we have never seen in our life....

its a steep learning curve..... but sometimes when i look around... the view can actually quite rewarding... thinking that i have come this far to pursue something i like... (although it always ends up a little different from what you expect) i hv pick some difficult modules tt i like.... at least better than doing something tt is both difficult and i DUN like.... sigh... really dun noe how this 'battle' will turn out...

many mind boogling issues like summer plans, masters plans, holiday plans, air tickets, storage... but i think i ll leave everything on hold where possible.... my only concern now shd b exams...

EXAMS - it can be really scary... help!

Touched by His love

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 01:26:36 GMT

An amazing thing happened to me today....

Was reading the bible last night.... randomly looking for inspiration.... somehow i felt drawn to read the bible for the past few months before sleeping.... so i read a couple of chapters.... one of the stories (John 20:24-31) was about Jesus after resurrection... appearing in front of one of his betrayers - Peter (who led to his crucifixion).... forgiving him for what he has done and in the course.... reaffirmed his love for Jesus....

Today went for service organised by OCF at MIC.... the pastor read exactly the same passage for his sermon.... as he began.... I realised it was the exact passage I had read last night.... I was VERY SHOCKED.... as i listened to it... tears just rolled down... I couldn't help but started tearing uncontrollably....

It may all seemed like a coincidence.... but what is the chance of that happening?

Firstly, the bible is such a thick book.... I was stunt by the vastness of all the stories... though i have been reading it many many countless nights for the past few months.... i still haven't finished it.... and the copy that i have is only the New Testament.... :) SEcondly.... why did the pastor choose to read that passage out of all? There are so many messages to convey... on Good Friday... which was when Jesus was crucified... usually I would guess that people read about the events leading to crucifixion... but he chose to read something about his resurrection... and there are soooo many different books depicting life after he was resurrected... why did the pastor choose that?

The probability of that happening just hit me right in the face.

I could not help but believe that it could be one of God's attempt to touch me...

My journey in search of happiness began a long time ago.... slightly more than a year ago (around jan 06).... I was chatting to my housemate Jeremy in a pub restaurant near our old house (in fact that was the only time we had a chit chat session just him and me... although we stay side by side)... as usual... friends talk about life... ups and downs... i shared with him my belief about life is short and we shd cherish every moment.... that I am just happy being alive.... somehow i asked him what he would do if he knew that he wld die tml.... he said something like he would not do anything special... and i said that i wld bid my friends and family goodbye.... and he said wats the point of that? it then occured to me that it ll probably get many people very worried... and what's the point of making everyone worried... esp my family.. since there is perhaps nothing that could be done...

in all, a blatant truth came to me as i conversed with him... that is there any point in striving hard for our best if we are all going to die? looking at it from a goal oriented point of view... that seems to be the case.... if that is the ultimate goal where everything ends... then whats the point of life? it prompted me to search for an answer... some truth that may last me through my life...

after exams 06 just before i went back to spore.....i bought a book entitled the search of happiness - five thousand years in search of a good life... it was quite expensive abt £15... but i just felt like i needed enlightenment in this area.....as the title aptly sums up, the book summarizes the different schools of thought in search of happiness in life.... epicureans - maximise pleasure, minimise pain.... stoics - pain is good..... buddhist - detachment with life.... christianity - happiness in heaven..... islam - eh.. also something to do with heaven.... etc.... yes i did become more knowledgeable.... but i needed something more than just knowledge....

i talked to one of my best friends... zigui about this.... about the meaning of life and what it means to die..... he advised me "to take it as it comes" which i think is very sound advice.... i was even wondering... if i just decide to believe in christianity just for a good probability to eternal life... isn't tt possible? but he made a point about our actions in this life being a true testimony to the people around us... and indeed a true testimony to the world.... i shun off tt thought about "turning to christianity before death" bcuz it is just pure fakeness for those alive to see.... he advised me tt i could perhaps take on a religion that i feel its closest to my current beliefs and values....

i knew felt tt its a important problem.... i have been thinking all my life.... that if something doesn't kill me... it only makes me stronger.... as long as i m alive, i shd b happy and contented..... i m just glad to be alive bcuz many dun even have a chance to... tt gives me every reason to be positive about life... tt we shdn't waste the years living.... we shd try to live life to the fullest bcuz life is short... BUT THEN... wat jeremy says rings in my mind.... "what is the point?" ... the outcome is going to be the same anyway.... what if something kills me? does anything i do on Earth even matter?

i still feel very happy being alive! and i feel that i shd keep loving people and love is the reason for being alive! but the notion of death haunts me from time to time.... what is it like? am i just going to be unconscious? just like when i am asleep? but when i sleep i dream! what does it feel like NOT to dream? nothingness? pure dark empty space that i dun even know i m in? and i dun even know anything? does it matter if i had been alive or not?

i started searching for answers.... the first "sign" tt came to me was when i got together with florrine... i was so touched by her presence that i teared... (bcuz i had been so hurt by love in the past) somehow i uttered words "i don't want plan anymore" tt was my first official message to God i feel... that i want to release control of my life and let things just happen... if possible... in His plan...

i am sooooo thankful to florrine that she never for once tried to "convert" or "preach" to me.... she gave me lots of space.... but somehow unknown forces just prompt me in my seach for answers... i have always been a curious and logical person... the idea of God seems strange and distant... tt i have to give up control of my life and tt let Him lead the way.... as what many students wld do when they come across something tt i needed quick answers... i turn to wikipedia! the entry about Christianity was endlessly long with thousands of links.... i read and read furiously.... a website that really intrigued me was www.bethinking.org.... it is christian apologetics website... i was like huh??? why are they apologetic? why are they apologetic to be christians? then i wikipediaed apologetics.... actually the word had multiple meanings and one of it is "defending by speech or writing"...

anyway the website was filled with many intellectual arguments about defending christianity.... i listened to the audio clips of speeches and read countless essays.... it became apparent to me that there can be no real meaning, value, purpose in life without God.... which striked a chord in my thinking at tt time - why on Earth are we here for? time passes and people live and die.... tt we seem like lonely creatures on planet Earth... spinning in the eternal emptiness of the universe.... why do we even exist? why does anything even exist? my urge to search for an answer became even stronger....

for quite a while i was stuck in the perhaps the Buddhism way of explaining life... it made a lot of philosophical sense..... it seem to me tt as we gain consciousness and lose it day in day out.... life seems just like an illusion and we seem to be going through a 'drama'... i shd bring myself to cling on anything earthly... because of the impermanence of all things.... but it eventually leads me to conclude tt "life is suffering" (which is actually another conclusion of buddhism)... we shd work towards achieving nirvana... accumulate good kharma for our next life... as much as it makes sense too... the thought of tt being the ultimate truth just haunts me... and shd logically lead me to conclude that i shd spend the rest of my life in the monastery...

life felt sooo illusive at times it scares me.... i m convinced to seek something more positive.... because that is not the way i want to live my life... and that is definitely not something i want to believe in.... i want to seek God.... but there was still skepticism.... is God just an illusion? that it works only when we believe in it? tt actually there is nothing real?

another argument that felt sound to me was this "can something come out of nothing?" how did the universe originate? if one doesn't believe in God... then he must believe in chance.... that all things happen by pure coincidence... by sheer probability... tt could happen logically too... but then again it leads to conclusions which are saddening.... tt we are just here by chance.... it paints a picture of a dark and gloomy world... one again in which we are going nowhere... we rely on illusive goals, targets, created purposes to keep us alive... keep us going.... we probability cant say anything abt death also being pure atheists... since death is the end of experience... u can't judge it to say if it is gd or bad, happy or sad... since u HAVEN't experienced it! tt uncertainty makes me feel sad too....

is there relative truth or absolute truth in the world? i used to feel that truth is relative... but it doesn't feel so anymore... it doesn't seem plausible that there so many variants of the truth can all be correct together.... what is true will be true... truth shd be one tt doesn't change with time... and whether we discover it or not it will remain true... there can only be one truth tt exist in reality... and i feel like finding it.... christianity seems like a reasonable faith... not something which is absurd.... otherwise are we saying tt so many ppl ard the world over the past few centuries have believed in some delusion? there must be a reason why so many ppl are touched by Him.... i want to find out and i want feel Him if he is really there....

it is very easy to say doubt the presence of God bcuz we don't see its physical form.... we can't touch Him... most of the times we can't feel Him... but what if... what if it IS true? what IF all that was said in the bible is true? then it wld be the silliest thing for me NOT to believe in it... and to walk away spiritually from Him... its easy to doubt it because we don't see it... but isn't it more reasonable to give the gospel some chance and consider for once... could this be true?

tt was also the challenge given by Dr William Craig Lane at his public lecture which i attended at All Souls.... for non-believers... read the New Testament... and then ask yourself... "Could this be true?"

although i have started to seek Him for quite a while... i really didn't know when i would find Him... it could be soon or it could be 50 60 years later.... i continued to read online about Christianity.... the idea of dualism - tt we have a permanent soul tt is detached from the body..... the idea tt we retain our identities in heaven...... the fact tt many prophesies were fulfilled (and they were made centuries before it happened)... that many scientific facts were foretold in the bible too.... i have always doubted the bible.... but the pieces of evidences ard was appalling... was his resurrection a hallucination? the probability of a mass hallucination sounds like winning lottery.... again the question is " could this all be true?"

i went to sleep last night.... some fear struck me out of nowhere.... that believing in God could be a point of no return... i remained doubtful.... i had a lot of rest.... woke up at 3pm today... went for a jog in the evening.... deeply sober.... not expecting anything special to happen.... since it is just a normal service.... but when the pastor read out the EXACT same passage i read last night.... it felt like God was saying "Seek no more"... i could not control myself but exclaimed in shocked (a friend beside me even ask me to keep quiet)... and it moved me tremendously.... the verses just kept ringing and resonating... when the pastor ended his sermon... the words "Follow me" from the verses which he emphasized moved me even more.... i started crying.... just like a baby.... i went to look for Mark with Florrine's company... we spoke and he started praying for me in all sincerity.... i felt i needed to talk to Yongbin also... miraculously he appeared beside me and was already praying for me.... Yongbin led me to read a condensed version of the Romans 10:10.... i was never courageous enough to do it.... but finally my heart just led the way....

i must have frightened the people around me who didn't know what was going through in me internally all these while.... i guess the search has ended... but i am also sure that a faith has to be built and doesn't come overnight... but this is a good starting point for me to realise - what could be the best thing that i could ever believe in....

On 2006's Good Friday, i was touched by God.

i will continue to build this faith and be a thinking christian :)

a brand new start!

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 08:55:21 GMT

realised how long i have not blogged :)

well its not like nothing is going on in my life... things are going fine... most of the times good.... sometimes i ve doubts abt myself... hahah.... but i try to cast them away.... i try la :)

excess baggage the musical has been a great highlight of my year 3 in london :) i m really glad to be given the opportunity to once more sing and act on stage... this time for a charitable cause.... the composition of the team was amazing too... i could not imagine having enjoy myself more.... people are nice and understanding (esp the heads) and capable... people are more giving (maybe bcuz of the nature of the production)... overall it is just a grp of sporeans having fun in london and trying to raise some money... while working hard to give their best on stage (esp since we are not professionals)... and in all we raised $30000! hmm tts abt one year of sch fees in london huh! its not incredibly significant but at least it will be channeled to a worthy cause...

dreams really do come true! and often it takes just that someone to really believe in it and make the first step into committing himself... then others can have the courage to follow suit...

withdrawal symptoms from the production have only kicked in the past few days.... i find myself really at a loss of wat to do with my time.... since i dun usually hv the habit of playing games or watching videos (i fear getting addicted)... haven't found the motivation to start any proper revision too.... homework just goes on endlessly.... hence i m once agn in search of new directions in life...

felt better after talking to florrine last nite :) really thankful for her entrance to my life... i guess we are taking each day as it comes... come what may :)

gym. keyboard. guitar. revision. vocals. holidays. cooking.

learn to appreciate life.

GRE - phew!

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 04:53:19 GMT

bye bye to words like grandiloquence, lackadaisical, lassitude, pulchritudinous, pusillanimous, ignominious, brevity, proclivity, cacophony, equanimity, vituperate....

as diffident as i was, guess i survived the battle against GRE...

I guess not many people know that I failed English when I was secondary 2 (my only red score throughout the whole secondary education). I went on to get a B3 for O Levels. My JC teacher predicted that I would not get a more than a B3 for General Paper. Somehow, by some really hard work, I managed to get A2.

for SAT, my verbal score never went above 560 as far as I remember. I even took it 3 times. Because of that even with a 790 verbal score, SMU rejected my scholarship application (criteria: 1400).

for PSC scholarship assessment, I was made to retake the verbal component. The test was akin to SAT. They rejected me also. I begged for them to reveal the reason - they told me it was my psychometric test i.e. the written verbal test. I remember I was in OCS then, severely bittered by the fact because I was contending for SAFOS also. I remember doing push ups and sit up the whole night to vent my frustrations. Only a few close friends know why I was torturing myself that night.

such are much horror encounters with standardized verbal tests.

but today. good kharma. god's grace. well wishes. sheer luck. ultimately, hard work paid off.

I think I preped about over 1000 new words on placards and paper sticking ard my wall. did at least about 8 GRE papers.

my scores are not fantastic, but at least I know it will not be an impeding factor towards my masters applications.

610 for verbal
760 for math

PHEW! HENG AH!

according to statistics, at least it is roughly around for the average stanford student that got admitted into the course which I am applying for - 604 verbal and 787 math.

and... i dun hv to waste money and time preparing for another test..... cost US$160 for ONE test! (luckily PUB is paying for it)

gave myself a nights off relaxing... had salsa lessons.... caught up with some friends.... listening to my favourite music...

never stop believing in the wonders of working hard (n smart) and determination....

YAY!

special thanks to yang for the e-card/text, gerard for the text, and wonderful hsemate kaiping for the sushi and support! navath for the kaplan book and continuous support plus destress! kaby mum for the phlethora of GRE materials and advice! plus many more tt wished me gd luck... :) tks for the love!

It is Reading Week - a week to recharge :)

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 03:42:34 GMT

Just completed my personal statement for Stanford (Management Science and Engineering).... this is the 2nd piece of personal statement for now... the first one was for Oxford which I am applying to do Masters in Water Science Policy and Management... haha... pretty obscure huh... but I am really finding it interesting and particularly relevant to my future work....

It is a pretty draining process... but after every personal statement... I seem to have this renewed knowledge about myself.... eg why am i thinking the way i am now.... wat has been like the childhood causes of my interests... wat are the major influences in my life.....

I think both statements can still be revised a few times la... but the general idea should remain unchanged.... it has been a long time since i produce essays of any kind (not counting blogs)... it is nice to create a piece of writing with the style you want.... may not b the best written work ard but at least one u can call ur own..... :)

2 down, 4 more to go...

Meanwhile the battle against GRE still continues.... i have started developing small placards and do memorable sentence construction with it... it is amazing how many weird words exist and ppl rarely use... but there are many that have unique meanings which can't really be expressed using other words...

my GRE words of the days: sanguine, (assiduous), beatitude, blithe....

learning new words with positive meanings can inject actually new positive feelings! lets use them more! haha!

this week has been one full of rest, music, new words, self discovery thinking.... haha...

and a break for the upcoming week is nottingham games~ am travelling up to nottingham for the first time.... and to participate in this annual sporean sports/games meet.... am in the reserve for the basketball team... met up with the captain last sunday.. the ppl he is getting are really pro... so i m really contented being a substitute... i bet it ll be a bellicose (GRE) session on sat...

i made my first watercress and mince meatball soup! haha! it was complemented with baked salmon with everything (worchester sauce, sesame, soya, black white pepper, tabasco, corliander) *yummy*

neil was telling me this morning (after our run) abt how the culture of children here is when they eat bread with soft-boiled eggs... they cut the bread into small slices and dip them into the eggs... name of the dish..... "soldiers"... i gave him a shock telling him about the singaporean way of eating soft boiled eggs (which he termed a criminal offence) with soya sauce and white pepper....

invited him over to have a taste of spore culture... ;)

"its not so much a criminal offence after all"

Final (holi)days

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 17:07:20 GMT

Final year is coming! I think i am rather unprepared academically.

Last year went back with textbooks. But this year my courses are so not confirmed. Choices are so widespread.

Darn. GRE haven't take. Haven't even get books. Just feel like enjoying my remaining days in Singapore. Home is really sweet and cosy ley. I am slacking like crazy!!

Just lazing on my home sofa. Enjoying milo, fan, laptop on my sofa and variety show on tv. Its 145am le.

Met up with guitar genius Esther just now to pick up some guitar styles and improvisation. Also ask her to decipher 2 of my all time favourite songs - Shou Hu Xing by Dreamz FM, Yao Lan Qu by David Tao. Another song which I wanna learn is Er Shi Er by David Tao! I think it is so refreshing~ and it seems like just the appropriate son for me now! I am twenty two (not for long)!

Been feeling particularly old, never felt this old before. Feel an urgency to want complete many things. On another hand, felt that many things that I am doing are not really what I want and what I meant to do. Thinking rethinking. Don't think it gets me anywhere. Sometimes guess its just good to go by gut feeling.

Jogged to Pasir Ris beach a few days ago. Sat by the sea on the breakwaters. Felt like i want to just immerse myself in nature. Overwhelmed by the vastness of the sea. Feel very small. Haha.

Right now, there are many admin stuff that I have to solve before going back. Been scheduled a personal tutor appt which is before my arrival time in london. Need to bank in my sterling. Need to get a DVD burner. Thinking of upgrading my recording devices. Running out of contact lens. GRE also need to get some reference. Need to collect recommendation from my supervisor. Need to firm up my masters application and send request to PUB. Still got many friends I wanna meet again!!

2 weeks just doesnt feel enough.