Was reading the bible last night.... randomly looking for inspiration.... somehow i felt drawn to read the bible for the past few months before sleeping.... so i read a couple of chapters.... one of the stories (John 20:24-31) was about Jesus after resurrection... appearing in front of one of his betrayers - Peter (who led to his crucifixion).... forgiving him for what he has done and in the course.... reaffirmed his love for Jesus....
Today went for service organised by OCF at MIC.... the pastor read exactly the same passage for his sermon.... as he began.... I realised it was the exact passage I had read last night.... I was VERY SHOCKED.... as i listened to it... tears just rolled down... I couldn't help but started tearing uncontrollably....
It may all seemed like a coincidence.... but what is the chance of that happening?
Firstly, the bible is such a thick book.... I was stunt by the vastness of all the stories... though i have been reading it many many countless nights for the past few months.... i still haven't finished it.... and the copy that i have is only the New Testament.... :) SEcondly.... why did the pastor choose to read that passage out of all? There are so many messages to convey... on Good Friday... which was when Jesus was crucified... usually I would guess that people read about the events leading to crucifixion... but he chose to read something about his resurrection... and there are soooo many different books depicting life after he was resurrected... why did the pastor choose that?
The probability of that happening just hit me right in the face.
I could not help but believe that it could be one of God's attempt to touch me...
My journey in search of happiness began a long time ago.... slightly more than a year ago (around jan 06).... I was chatting to my housemate Jeremy in a pub restaurant near our old house (in fact that was the only time we had a chit chat session just him and me... although we stay side by side)... as usual... friends talk about life... ups and downs... i shared with him my belief about life is short and we shd cherish every moment.... that I am just happy being alive.... somehow i asked him what he would do if he knew that he wld die tml.... he said something like he would not do anything special... and i said that i wld bid my friends and family goodbye.... and he said wats the point of that? it then occured to me that it ll probably get many people very worried... and what's the point of making everyone worried... esp my family.. since there is perhaps nothing that could be done...
in all, a blatant truth came to me as i conversed with him... that is there any point in striving hard for our best if we are all going to die? looking at it from a goal oriented point of view... that seems to be the case.... if that is the ultimate goal where everything ends... then whats the point of life? it prompted me to search for an answer... some truth that may last me through my life...
after exams 06 just before i went back to spore.....i bought a book entitled the search of happiness - five thousand years in search of a good life... it was quite expensive abt £15... but i just felt like i needed enlightenment in this area.....as the title aptly sums up, the book summarizes the different schools of thought in search of happiness in life.... epicureans - maximise pleasure, minimise pain.... stoics - pain is good..... buddhist - detachment with life.... christianity - happiness in heaven..... islam - eh.. also something to do with heaven.... etc.... yes i did become more knowledgeable.... but i needed something more than just knowledge....
i talked to one of my best friends... zigui about this.... about the meaning of life and what it means to die..... he advised me "to take it as it comes" which i think is very sound advice.... i was even wondering... if i just decide to believe in christianity just for a good probability to eternal life... isn't tt possible? but he made a point about our actions in this life being a true testimony to the people around us... and indeed a true testimony to the world.... i shun off tt thought about "turning to christianity before death" bcuz it is just pure fakeness for those alive to see.... he advised me tt i could perhaps take on a religion that i feel its closest to my current beliefs and values....
i knew felt tt its a important problem.... i have been thinking all my life.... that if something doesn't kill me... it only makes me stronger.... as long as i m alive, i shd b happy and contented..... i m just glad to be alive bcuz many dun even have a chance to... tt gives me every reason to be positive about life... tt we shdn't waste the years living.... we shd try to live life to the fullest bcuz life is short... BUT THEN... wat jeremy says rings in my mind.... "what is the point?" ... the outcome is going to be the same anyway.... what if something kills me? does anything i do on Earth even matter?
i still feel very happy being alive! and i feel that i shd keep loving people and love is the reason for being alive! but the notion of death haunts me from time to time.... what is it like? am i just going to be unconscious? just like when i am asleep? but when i sleep i dream! what does it feel like NOT to dream? nothingness? pure dark empty space that i dun even know i m in? and i dun even know anything? does it matter if i had been alive or not?
i started searching for answers.... the first "sign" tt came to me was when i got together with florrine... i was so touched by her presence that i teared... (bcuz i had been so hurt by love in the past) somehow i uttered words "i don't want plan anymore" tt was my first official message to God i feel... that i want to release control of my life and let things just happen... if possible... in His plan...
i am sooooo thankful to florrine that she never for once tried to "convert" or "preach" to me.... she gave me lots of space.... but somehow unknown forces just prompt me in my seach for answers... i have always been a curious and logical person... the idea of God seems strange and distant... tt i have to give up control of my life and tt let Him lead the way.... as what many students wld do when they come across something tt i needed quick answers... i turn to wikipedia! the entry about Christianity was endlessly long with thousands of links.... i read and read furiously.... a website that really intrigued me was www.bethinking.org.... it is christian apologetics website... i was like huh??? why are they apologetic? why are they apologetic to be christians? then i wikipediaed apologetics.... actually the word had multiple meanings and one of it is "defending by speech or writing"...
anyway the website was filled with many intellectual arguments about defending christianity.... i listened to the audio clips of speeches and read countless essays.... it became apparent to me that there can be no real meaning, value, purpose in life without God.... which striked a chord in my thinking at tt time - why on Earth are we here for? time passes and people live and die.... tt we seem like lonely creatures on planet Earth... spinning in the eternal emptiness of the universe.... why do we even exist? why does anything even exist? my urge to search for an answer became even stronger....
for quite a while i was stuck in the perhaps the Buddhism way of explaining life... it made a lot of philosophical sense..... it seem to me tt as we gain consciousness and lose it day in day out.... life seems just like an illusion and we seem to be going through a 'drama'... i shd bring myself to cling on anything earthly... because of the impermanence of all things.... but it eventually leads me to conclude tt "life is suffering" (which is actually another conclusion of buddhism)... we shd work towards achieving nirvana... accumulate good kharma for our next life... as much as it makes sense too... the thought of tt being the ultimate truth just haunts me... and shd logically lead me to conclude that i shd spend the rest of my life in the monastery...
life felt sooo illusive at times it scares me.... i m convinced to seek something more positive.... because that is not the way i want to live my life... and that is definitely not something i want to believe in.... i want to seek God.... but there was still skepticism.... is God just an illusion? that it works only when we believe in it? tt actually there is nothing real?
another argument that felt sound to me was this "can something come out of nothing?" how did the universe originate? if one doesn't believe in God... then he must believe in chance.... that all things happen by pure coincidence... by sheer probability... tt could happen logically too... but then again it leads to conclusions which are saddening.... tt we are just here by chance.... it paints a picture of a dark and gloomy world... one again in which we are going nowhere... we rely on illusive goals, targets, created purposes to keep us alive... keep us going.... we probability cant say anything abt death also being pure atheists... since death is the end of experience... u can't judge it to say if it is gd or bad, happy or sad... since u HAVEN't experienced it! tt uncertainty makes me feel sad too....
is there relative truth or absolute truth in the world? i used to feel that truth is relative... but it doesn't feel so anymore... it doesn't seem plausible that there so many variants of the truth can all be correct together.... what is true will be true... truth shd be one tt doesn't change with time... and whether we discover it or not it will remain true... there can only be one truth tt exist in reality... and i feel like finding it.... christianity seems like a reasonable faith... not something which is absurd.... otherwise are we saying tt so many ppl ard the world over the past few centuries have believed in some delusion? there must be a reason why so many ppl are touched by Him.... i want to find out and i want feel Him if he is really there....
it is very easy to say doubt the presence of God bcuz we don't see its physical form.... we can't touch Him... most of the times we can't feel Him... but what if... what if it IS true? what IF all that was said in the bible is true? then it wld be the silliest thing for me NOT to believe in it... and to walk away spiritually from Him... its easy to doubt it because we don't see it... but isn't it more reasonable to give the gospel some chance and consider for once... could this be true?
tt was also the challenge given by Dr William Craig Lane at his public lecture which i attended at All Souls.... for non-believers... read the New Testament... and then ask yourself... "Could this be true?"
although i have started to seek Him for quite a while... i really didn't know when i would find Him... it could be soon or it could be 50 60 years later.... i continued to read online about Christianity.... the idea of dualism - tt we have a permanent soul tt is detached from the body..... the idea tt we retain our identities in heaven...... the fact tt many prophesies were fulfilled (and they were made centuries before it happened)... that many scientific facts were foretold in the bible too.... i have always doubted the bible.... but the pieces of evidences ard was appalling... was his resurrection a hallucination? the probability of a mass hallucination sounds like winning lottery.... again the question is " could this all be true?"
i went to sleep last night.... some fear struck me out of nowhere.... that believing in God could be a point of no return... i remained doubtful.... i had a lot of rest.... woke up at 3pm today... went for a jog in the evening.... deeply sober.... not expecting anything special to happen.... since it is just a normal service.... but when the pastor read out the EXACT same passage i read last night.... it felt like God was saying "Seek no more"... i could not control myself but exclaimed in shocked (a friend beside me even ask me to keep quiet)... and it moved me tremendously.... the verses just kept ringing and resonating... when the pastor ended his sermon... the words "Follow me" from the verses which he emphasized moved me even more.... i started crying.... just like a baby.... i went to look for Mark with Florrine's company... we spoke and he started praying for me in all sincerity.... i felt i needed to talk to Yongbin also... miraculously he appeared beside me and was already praying for me.... Yongbin led me to read a condensed version of the Romans 10:10.... i was never courageous enough to do it.... but finally my heart just led the way....
i must have frightened the people around me who didn't know what was going through in me internally all these while.... i guess the search has ended... but i am also sure that a faith has to be built and doesn't come overnight... but this is a good starting point for me to realise - what could be the best thing that i could ever believe in....
On 2006's Good Friday, i was touched by God.
i will continue to build this faith and be a thinking christian :)
well its not like nothing is going on in my life... things are going fine... most of the times good.... sometimes i ve doubts abt myself... hahah.... but i try to cast them away.... i try la :)
excess baggage the musical has been a great highlight of my year 3 in london :) i m really glad to be given the opportunity to once more sing and act on stage... this time for a charitable cause.... the composition of the team was amazing too... i could not imagine having enjoy myself more.... people are nice and understanding (esp the heads) and capable... people are more giving (maybe bcuz of the nature of the production)... overall it is just a grp of sporeans having fun in london and trying to raise some money... while working hard to give their best on stage (esp since we are not professionals)... and in all we raised $30000! hmm tts abt one year of sch fees in london huh! its not incredibly significant but at least it will be channeled to a worthy cause...
dreams really do come true! and often it takes just that someone to really believe in it and make the first step into committing himself... then others can have the courage to follow suit...
withdrawal symptoms from the production have only kicked in the past few days.... i find myself really at a loss of wat to do with my time.... since i dun usually hv the habit of playing games or watching videos (i fear getting addicted)... haven't found the motivation to start any proper revision too.... homework just goes on endlessly.... hence i m once agn in search of new directions in life...
felt better after talking to florrine last nite :) really thankful for her entrance to my life... i guess we are taking each day as it comes... come what may :)
bye bye to words like grandiloquence, lackadaisical, lassitude, pulchritudinous, pusillanimous, ignominious, brevity, proclivity, cacophony, equanimity, vituperate....
as diffident as i was, guess i survived the battle against GRE...
I guess not many people know that I failed English when I was secondary 2 (my only red score throughout the whole secondary education). I went on to get a B3 for O Levels. My JC teacher predicted that I would not get a more than a B3 for General Paper. Somehow, by some really hard work, I managed to get A2.
for SAT, my verbal score never went above 560 as far as I remember. I even took it 3 times. Because of that even with a 790 verbal score, SMU rejected my scholarship application (criteria: 1400).
for PSC scholarship assessment, I was made to retake the verbal component. The test was akin to SAT. They rejected me also. I begged for them to reveal the reason - they told me it was my psychometric test i.e. the written verbal test. I remember I was in OCS then, severely bittered by the fact because I was contending for SAFOS also. I remember doing push ups and sit up the whole night to vent my frustrations. Only a few close friends know why I was torturing myself that night.
such are much horror encounters with standardized verbal tests.
but today. good kharma. god's grace. well wishes. sheer luck. ultimately, hard work paid off.
I think I preped about over 1000 new words on placards and paper sticking ard my wall. did at least about 8 GRE papers.
my scores are not fantastic, but at least I know it will not be an impeding factor towards my masters applications.
610 for verbal 760 for math
PHEW! HENG AH!
according to statistics, at least it is roughly around for the average stanford student that got admitted into the course which I am applying for - 604 verbal and 787 math.
and... i dun hv to waste money and time preparing for another test..... cost US$160 for ONE test! (luckily PUB is paying for it)
gave myself a nights off relaxing... had salsa lessons.... caught up with some friends.... listening to my favourite music...
never stop believing in the wonders of working hard (n smart) and determination....
YAY!
special thanks to yang for the e-card/text, gerard for the text, and wonderful hsemate kaiping for the sushi and support! navath for the kaplan book and continuous support plus destress! kaby mum for the phlethora of GRE materials and advice! plus many more tt wished me gd luck... :) tks for the love!
Just completed my personal statement for Stanford (Management Science and Engineering).... this is the 2nd piece of personal statement for now... the first one was for Oxford which I am applying to do Masters in Water Science Policy and Management... haha... pretty obscure huh... but I am really finding it interesting and particularly relevant to my future work....
It is a pretty draining process... but after every personal statement... I seem to have this renewed knowledge about myself.... eg why am i thinking the way i am now.... wat has been like the childhood causes of my interests... wat are the major influences in my life.....
I think both statements can still be revised a few times la... but the general idea should remain unchanged.... it has been a long time since i produce essays of any kind (not counting blogs)... it is nice to create a piece of writing with the style you want.... may not b the best written work ard but at least one u can call ur own..... :)
2 down, 4 more to go...
Meanwhile the battle against GRE still continues.... i have started developing small placards and do memorable sentence construction with it... it is amazing how many weird words exist and ppl rarely use... but there are many that have unique meanings which can't really be expressed using other words...
my GRE words of the days: sanguine, (assiduous), beatitude, blithe....
learning new words with positive meanings can inject actually new positive feelings! lets use them more! haha!
this week has been one full of rest, music, new words, self discovery thinking.... haha...
and a break for the upcoming week is nottingham games~ am travelling up to nottingham for the first time.... and to participate in this annual sporean sports/games meet.... am in the reserve for the basketball team... met up with the captain last sunday.. the ppl he is getting are really pro... so i m really contented being a substitute... i bet it ll be a bellicose (GRE) session on sat...
i made my first watercress and mince meatball soup! haha! it was complemented with baked salmon with everything (worchester sauce, sesame, soya, black white pepper, tabasco, corliander) *yummy*
neil was telling me this morning (after our run) abt how the culture of children here is when they eat bread with soft-boiled eggs... they cut the bread into small slices and dip them into the eggs... name of the dish..... "soldiers"... i gave him a shock telling him about the singaporean way of eating soft boiled eggs (which he termed a criminal offence) with soya sauce and white pepper....
invited him over to have a taste of spore culture... ;)
Final year is coming! I think i am rather unprepared academically.
Last year went back with textbooks. But this year my courses are so not confirmed. Choices are so widespread.
Darn. GRE haven't take. Haven't even get books. Just feel like enjoying my remaining days in Singapore. Home is really sweet and cosy ley. I am slacking like crazy!!
Just lazing on my home sofa. Enjoying milo, fan, laptop on my sofa and variety show on tv. Its 145am le.
Met up with guitar genius Esther just now to pick up some guitar styles and improvisation. Also ask her to decipher 2 of my all time favourite songs - Shou Hu Xing by Dreamz FM, Yao Lan Qu by David Tao. Another song which I wanna learn is Er Shi Er by David Tao! I think it is so refreshing~ and it seems like just the appropriate son for me now! I am twenty two (not for long)!
Been feeling particularly old, never felt this old before. Feel an urgency to want complete many things. On another hand, felt that many things that I am doing are not really what I want and what I meant to do. Thinking rethinking. Don't think it gets me anywhere. Sometimes guess its just good to go by gut feeling.
Jogged to Pasir Ris beach a few days ago. Sat by the sea on the breakwaters. Felt like i want to just immerse myself in nature. Overwhelmed by the vastness of the sea. Feel very small. Haha.
Right now, there are many admin stuff that I have to solve before going back. Been scheduled a personal tutor appt which is before my arrival time in london. Need to bank in my sterling. Need to get a DVD burner. Thinking of upgrading my recording devices. Running out of contact lens. GRE also need to get some reference. Need to collect recommendation from my supervisor. Need to firm up my masters application and send request to PUB. Still got many friends I wanna meet again!!
